I was so full of hope for what seemed so long after my last post regarding my daughter. Sometimes life has a way of just moving forward and wasting your time while you think things are getting better. Then you find out they are getting worse.
I know I can only answer for and control myself, but having no influence on a daughter I have spent the last 21 years loving and helping and loving more.
It has come to the end. She and her boyfriend have to move out to maintain my and my husbands sanity.
There is no sharing of confidences on her part, only accusations of not doing enough for her.
Now I have been told I am a disgusting human being for all that I have done for her as I cannot just keep doing for her and hoping some day she will turn into a decent human being.
I have prayed on my knees, begging God to help for so long I can’t remember. So far he hasn’t answered me.
Now she wants nothing to do with me, ever, and I will never see my soon to be grandchild.
I’ve been played for a fool for so long.
There is no hope that I can feel now.
I am so tired I feel like I am centuries old.
The old depression is coming back with a vengeance but I don’t want to go to the hospital again, there are no pills to fix this.
“How sharper than a serpents tooth it is to have an ungrateful child”
Perhaps enough to die from that bite…
My 20 year old daughter is on a course for suicide. She doesn’t want any help except to score the drug of her choice which is heroin. For some reason after being with an abusive boyfriend for almost a year she seems to think that nobody loves her including me. There is a long history with her, her father and drugs but I feel there is no need to go into all of that here because it seems that people want to read upbeat things…sorry I can’t deliver. Anyways, if anyone even reads this wish me luck that my daughter will still be alive tomorrow….
In 2012, I lost a dear friend, Alex (Rouroni). His birthday is Nov 20. Since he did not like celebrating his birthday, I choose to honor his memory in the best way I can think of. Alex had a way of taking care of others and spreading kindness – in secret. He truly believed that if he went around telling people what he did, it didn’t count. He never wanted credit.
So, on this day, go pick up trash, give a stranger flowers, leave a huge tip, send a greeting card to an address you found on yellowpages, etc. It can be simple or hard (but I personally like to stretch my comfort zone). The only rule is YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE what you did. If you do, it doesn’t count. Note that by acknowledging you are attending, you do not negate the secret act. It is merely a commitment to spread kindness – the act itself on Nov. 20th will be the secret.
In this act, we can not only transform the world, but also ourselves. If you didn’t know Alex, honor someone else’s memory on this day. Or if you are yourself in a place of struggle, use this day to pick yourself up and spread some sunshine in this world. It truly is the best cure for your own darkness.
Please consider sharing this event. I posted this on my wall last year, but I want to make an even bigger impact this year. Thank you in advance for helping honor my friend and spreading his mission.
I have not been very prolific thus far but what the hell, it is the nature of the beast called depression. I felt a need to write something tonight as I have been feeling so much better for a number of reasons. First and foremost it has been the other people I have “met” on here after joining wordpress. I have been spending much of my time reading other peoples blogs which overall has helped me immensely and all for different reasons. I have tried various suggestions for coping with my malady and have had great results. To give a comprehensive list of all of those who have helped me must wait for another time as it is extensive. Upshot of it all is that my meds have been reduced and we have talked about weaning off completely in the spring. To anyone who has been, or is, in my position I have to tell you there is definitely hope. I have dealt with depression my whole life and I am now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Life will throw you curveballs and downright rotten things at times, but it should never mean the end for you. I have had my share of curveballs, most of which I haven’t yet shared. But hope remains and is strong right now, also is the feeling of being in the moment and just letting it be and enjoying what I can. I have been to rock bottom and am now climbing up. For anyone who needs any words or encouragement or just a shoulder to cry on believe me I understand and am here any time. There is hope my friends!! I will try to write in more detail soon, my heart needs to do it 🙂 Love to all…